Just in time for the holidays....a little friendly gift advice.
1. A Thighmaster/Gym Membership/Exercise equipment
What kind of idiot are you? Your girlfriend said she wants to lose weight. That doesn’t mean she wants you—the man who sees her naked—to give a gift that screams, “Merry Christmas, Fatass!” You may *think* you’re trying to be helpful, but she will think you’re trying to send her a message. If she didn’t specifically ask for exercise equipment, do not surprise her with a set of ankle weights or a Buns of Steel video.
2. A Real Kitten or Puppy
You can’t give the gift of obligation. Sure they’re adorable, but getting a pet is a HUGE responsibility that is in many ways similar to rearing a child. Except these adorable furry children never grow up and move out! They are permanent financial burdens that eat, sleep, poop, and destroy things. She may fuss over Mr. Cuddles when you present him wearing a giant red bow, but just wait until he chews the shit out of her favorite pair of designer pumps that cost a friggin’ fortune and CAN NEVER BE REPLACED!!!
3. Kitchen Appliances
Housework in a box is not a message you want to send your girlfriend. Even if you love her cooking, don’t make the mistake of mixing true love and hunger. It didn’t work for George Costanza, and it’s not going to work for you.
4. Tattooing her name on your body
True love isn’t always permanent. But ink that gets injected under your skin with needles is. So what happens when Victoria dumps your ass for a stock broker making six figures and you ask out that cutie who kept giving you the eye in Starbucks? Who will hopefully, eventually, get to see that garish monstrosity prominently displayed on your left butt cheek? The ode to love you asked the tattoo artist to design as a big red heart with her name in loopy letters? Scratch that. (But not in public.) I suppose if you were drunk at the time of tattooing you might be forgiven…but not if you mistakenly told the tattoo artist your ex-girlfriend’s name instead of your current sweetie. And for God’s sake, if you do decide to go through with this Very Bad Idea, make sure the name is spelled correctly.
5. Rings in a box
So your girlfriend loves jewelry and you want to surprise her. You’re off to a good start. But picture this scenario. You buy her that really cool silver Celtic knot ring she was raving about for months last summer and give it to her on a romantic Christmas date. Big Mistake. Once she sees that distinctively-shaped box she will immediately be thinking of only one thing, and depending on your relationship, she’ll either avoid opening the box or pounce on that bad-boy and shred the paper (heartbeat thumping) to see NOT a diamond ring. So even if she wasn’t thinking about marriage before, she sure is now.
6. Lingerie
Okay, you want to buy your girlfriend something sexy to wear for date night. Good for you. But think, McFly, think. First, you have to get the right size. That means A) asking your girlfriend what size bra and panties she wears or B) snooping through her underwear drawer when she isn’t around. Or C) asking her best friend what size she wears---who is sooo going to call her and tell her that you don’t know her sizes. You get where I’m going with this, right? Then there’s the issue of the black crotchless panties that you think would rock on your next date, but that she will think are the most tasteless, trashy gift you’ve ever given her that PROVES you don’t know her at all, blah blah blah. If you want to buy her lingerie, do yourself a favor and stick solely to items she has specifically chosen in a magazine or store that she wants. Do not try to be creative.
7. A Gift Card
Translation: I don’t know you well enough to actually choose a gift to please you so I got you this lame gift card of $25, because that’s exactly the dollar value I place upon our love.
8. Tickets to an event YOU want to attend
You want to go to the game/concert/fight. She wants to go to the ballet/opera. DO NOT buy super-expensive seats to an event you want to attend and act like you just got her the world’s most amazing gift. She will think you’re a selfish jerk, and she’ll be right.
9. The CVS Special
Evidence that you forgot to buy a gift and stopped at the drugstore on the way home from work to purchase a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a teddy bear, some Designer Imposters eau de parfum, and a bottle of Boone’s Farm. This is almost worst than nothing. With nothing, you could at least FAKE the sentiment by printing a picture of a really nice gift and claim the shipment was delayed in the mail. You are REALLY going to feel like a shit when she hands you that awesome, really expensive gift that she obviously put time and thought into.
10. Age-Defying Creams
They are very expensive. They are also designed to remove winkles. Don’t go there.
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