Childhood Crushes

It’s been awhile since I wrote a blog and the truth is I have nothing exceptionally interesting to say, which is probably a good thing since no one really reads this blog anyway.

So I can basically say whatever I want about whoever I want with no fear of repercussion.

Matt Schafer is a total girly-girl!

(Not that I have any fear, mind you – it’s just an expression.)

The actual topic I’d like to discuss today is Childhood Crushes. Having recently watched the  The A-Team movie based on one of my all-time favorite childhood TV shows, I started thinking about the men I admired way back in the days when cell phones looked like this.

Revisiting the icons of coolness who starred in my girlhood fantasies inspired the thought…What characteristics do these men have in common? And more importantly, is there any correlation between my past crushes and my present choices in men?

Let’s examine the contenders (in no particular order):

1. Christopher Reeve (Superman)



*Sigh*

No surprise here. Superman inspires adoration in pretty much the entire female gender. But for me, there is only one name synonymous with Superman, and that’s Christopher Reeve. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was madly in swoon with Superman growing up. So much so that as an adult, I forced my younger sister Margaret (15 years younger, who had never even HEARD of Christopher Reeve—GASP!) to watch the movies with me. I am proud to say that thanks to my efforts, I was successfully able to pass along my childhood crush to Margaret, who will continue the tradition some day with her future daughters.

2. Dirk Benedict (Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck in The A-Team)



Face + Mandy sittin' in a tree...

This one’s simple enough to figure out. I was a military brat and surrounded by soldiers living on base for most of my childhood. In his role as Faceman, Dirk Benedict played an ex-war hero and suave, smooth-talking con man able to get his hands on pretty much anything the team needed to pull off their missions. How cool is that? Plus, he was cute! What more could a young girl want?

3. John Wayne (The Duke)


The Duke on horseback. Note the manly posture.


I really don’t think this one needs any explanation. John Wayne IS The Ultimate Man. The Duke is still sacred to me, and I can’t even list off a series of roles he played to inspire my childhood crush, because I love everything the man ever made. I recall watching John Wayne films with my dad growing up and the complete awe with which The Duke Manned Up and handled a situation whether it be with words, fists, or guns.

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger (“Dutch” in Predator and the title role in Conan the Barbarian)

Men with big guns.  Mmm-mmm.

OK, I’ll admit both these roles are so over-the-top testosterone-charged as to border on B-movie cheesy, but that doesn’t change the fact that Schwarzenegger was a total badass tough-guy! The man kicked ass for most of his film career until some slack-jawed idiot decided he should start making crappy comedies like Junior and Kindergarten Cop. But however silly and ridiculous his roles eventually became, he still made some of the best action flicks ever produced. In much the same way boobs fascinate men, Arnie’s macho muscles kept my impressionable young eyes glued to the screen. It totally didn’t hurt that he could wield a sword or submachine gun with equal finesse.

6. Cary Elwes (“Westley” in The Princess Bride)


"As you wish, Amanda."

Merely the mention of this movie makes me smile with fond memories. The Princess Bride is without a doubt sheer, cinematic genius. Westley’s famous line: “As you wish” is the epitome of romantic. In classic hero tradition, Westley recues the princess and rides off into the sunset. Throw in his alter-ego Dread Pirate Roberts, and you’ve got Hero + Bad Boy all rolled into one.  How awesome is that?

7. Michael J. Fox (“Marty McFly” in Back to the Future)

He's a cutie patootie!

Michael J. Fox is a definite cutie. I first became enamored of him during his role as Alex Keaton in Family Ties, but it wasn’t until he played Marty McFly in the sci-fi classic Back to the Future trilogy that I developed a full-blown crush. Nothing beats watching Marty shred the guitar singing Johnny B. Goode at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance.

8. Marc Singer (“Dar” in the Beastmaster)

"Stay back--this beast is fierce."

Dar did it for me. You’ve got a half-naked, muscled hero in a loincloth—a loincloth people, did I mention that part?—who telepathically communicates with animals and is out to avenge the murder of his village by killing an evil sorcerer-king. With a sword. In a loincloth. That pretty much sums it up for me. Having the opportunity to re-visit my childhood crush by meeting Marc Singer in person at Dragon*Con 2007—getting a picture with him—and listening to him talk about his experiences filming The Beastmaster absolutely fulfilled a childhood fantasy.

Marc: This pic'll cost you $20 bucks.
Me: How much if you take your shirt off?

So, what do these 8 men having common?

*Shrug*

It’s not for me to psychoanalyze myself online.

But just in case any of you are interested….(Ben)

If you really want to dress in costume for this year’s Dragon*Con, any of these characters would be awesome!

Or, you know, if you feel like wearing a loincloth and wielding a sword in every-day life, that’d be alright too.

(Matt Schafer totally does this when he visits Swinging Richard’s.)

Christmas is Creepy - Part 5

PART 5 - CREEPY FATHER CHRISTMAS

"He sees you when you're sleeping...he knows when you're awake...he knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"

During the countdown to Christmas, we met Santa's creepy pal Krampus, but maybe...just maybe, we should have been paying closer attention to Santa himself. When you really stop and think about it, there is something inherently creepy about the idea of an old, fat man with an obsession for children who likes to dress up in red velvet and play with little elves.

They say birds of a feather flock together...






Let's think about this for a moment.

Why would a supposedly kind and jolly old man invite such a creep like Krampus to travel with him into the homes of unsuspecting children?

They look pretty chummy to me.

What does Santa really do when Krampus finds a naughty kid and turns him over his knee for a good spanking?

Does he just stand there and watch? A voyeur to child abuse?

Nowhere was it mentioned that Santa ever tried to intervene on these sadistic spank-fests going in Austrian homes.

Note the way Krampus kneels beside Santa in chains.

Evidence would seem to suggest that Santa is, himself, a dangerous man.

1) Aliases (Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, Pere Noel, Father Christmas).
2) Lives in a remote, unknown location in the North Pole.
3) Breaking & Entering - no convictions.
4) Suspected abuse of hallucinogenic drugs (claims of flying reindeer) - never substantiated. 
5) Consorting with known criminals.

How much do we really know about Santa Claus? And what mysterious power does he exert that drives adults to perpetuate his false identity?

Check out this array of photos and judge for yourself.

Is this the face of an innocent  man?

HO HO HO!

[Warning - if you're easily offended by vulgar language, don't listen to the below song by Australian comedian Kevin Bloody Wilson. If, however, you don't mind a few f-bombs, enjoy the hell out of it. I did.]





Merry Christmas!

Christmas is Creepy - Part 4

PART 4 - CREEPY CHILDREN'S TOYS

Frightening children into good behavior is a renowned Christmas tradition the world over, whether it take the form of bribery: "Santa won't bring you any Christmas presents" or assault: "Krampus will toss you in a sack and throw you in a stream." Sure it's all harmless fun when parents do it, but what about those sick tickets who carry tradition a little too far?

I have a funny feeling Santa won't be visiting this island of misfit toys...

LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

Christmas is Creepy - Part 3

PART 3: CREEPY CHRISTMAS ADS

JACKPOT! We all know how gimmicky some marketing campaigns can be, but these bizarre Christmas advertisements are just plain creepy! No need to hype this post with cute hyperbole; these ads speak for themselves.

  I dare you to make a crack about this one.

 Available at Creepy Kids R Us.

This Christmas, give the gift of scarred memories.

"Deck the halls with plop plop, fizz fizz, fa la la la la la la, ahh..." AFTER you take an Alka Seltzer. And remember to light a match afterward.

President Ronald Reagan says "yes" to endorsing addiction. (Don't tell Nancy.)

Double-homicide puts the creep into Christmas.

I'd just like to know what food this is supposed to be marketing.

Nice beaver.

Hey Santa, guess who's gonna have a Merry Christmas? *Point, point, wink wink*

Best/Worst part about this...it's an ad from a church.

You give more than a pipe when you give Kay woodie. I'll bet.

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust."  ~ Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal

Even Santa gets depressed around the holidays.

Don we now our gay apparel...

Archie & The Gang File Charges

'Nuff said.

TeeHee.

Mrs. Claus may want Santa to give her a rigid iron board, but I think she gave him one first.  

Oh oh oh, the fun places we'll go...

Random WTF?

Not really an ad, but too good not to post.

Santa's a 3-packer kinda guy.

Death Row Christmas tunes are a shocking hit in prison.

Children, stop pulling Santa's package.

Santa rides the golden rocket.

Random WTF?

Chestnuts two-headed babies roasting on an open fire...

Not creepy, but I had to throw it in here...this is pure awesomeness.


And last but not least...CREEPY CHRISTMAS PERSONIFIED!